RaInE_tEaRs

2011-05-14T14:51:00.002+08:00

"Hard work and intelligence play but a minute role; even in our “meritocratic” society, the social and economic stratum into which you are born still plays a significant role in deciding how successful you are in life."

Read this somewhere on wordpress.

I find it ridiculous when people try to blame their circumstances for the way they turn out in life. Don't have money to get good education? Why didn't you work harder and earn yourself a scholarship? Don't even try to say you didn't manage to earn a scholarship because you had no money for tuition. It all boils down to how much effort you put into your own life! Yes sure, the rich are bound to have it a lot easier. They have money to hire the best tuition teachers, they have money to participate in the best motivational camps, they have the money to donate to good schools and earn themselves a head start. Sure, I agree, the playing field is an unbalanced one. Your financial ability indeed makes a difference in your life. But to say it plays a significant role in determining/deciding how successful you are is being pure ridiculous. What an insult to all the people who worked their butts off to be where they are today.

2011-03-21T00:17:00.002+08:00

Life

Children, ye have not lived, to you it seems
Life is a lovely stalactite of dreams,
Or carnival of careless joys that leap
About your hearts like billows on the deep
In flames of amber and of amethyst.

Children, ye have not lived, ye but exist
Till some resistless hour shall rise and move
Your hearts to wake and hunger after love,
And thirst with passionate longing for the things
That burn your brows with blood-red sufferings.

Till ye have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, ye have not lived: for this is life.

- Sarojini Naidu

This poem was used in Stefanie Sun's new album. I just managed to get my hands on it today even though it's been out since 8th March because I chose to preorder the album via Yanzi's fan club. The taiwan version that I pre-ordered comes with this box of tape that has the words of the poem on it. I love it so much because the poem describes growing up very well.

Ever since I turned 21, I'm constantly reminded that I'm an adult now, however much I don't wish to be so. I need to be mature, responsible, trustworthy. Not that I don't try hard to be all that before I turned 21 but I have to say that when I was younger, I really can cut myself some slack sometimes. As opposed to now, it's a drastic difference. I cannot be capricious and willful anymore, even though deep down I'm just all of that. Is this what they call growing up? Knowing what needs and should be done, even if you don't want to do it?

Growing up. I've learnt a great deal about growing up recently. Coming to realize that the world does not always work on the principles I strongly believe in, hard work does not always pay, being kind does not always pay, not everybody wants to be a nice person, you don't always have a choice. Expectation violation? Certainly. But there's nothing I can do about it.

Can I say I'm all grown up now? No, I don't think so. I don't think I will ever really grow up if growing up means having to resign to fate and let life manipulate me. I may not succeed at my dreams, they might never happen within my lifetime, but I'm never gonna quit trying for as long as I have that choice.

Till ye have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, ye have not lived: for this is life.

Dreams can shatter, hearts have wounds. The world needs a heart of fire and if I can just seek out that bit of courage within me, coupled with all the love my dear ones give me, I too can be what I need.

2011-03-05T00:07:00.002+08:00

Just suffered a major traumatic break down.

But thankfully I reached out to a friend for help thus preventing anything foolish from happening.

Feeling like I won't be able to take anymore of this soon.
But it really takes a lot more courage to let go than to hold on.

If only someone would really just listen to me.

2011-02-16T12:38:00.001+08:00

Will I really be able to get through this?

>:(

2011-02-14T09:27:00.001+08:00

I really really don't want to be at work. :(

2011-01-21T22:08:00.002+08:00

好久好久没有在这里写下任何东西了。

有时候，我觉得是因为推特的关系，我已经把一切想说加不想说的都写在那里，导致我每次来到blogger时，都觉得其实没什么想说。当然，这博客还是有它的用途的。就例如现在，心情很差的现在，好多话没有机会说出口的现在，心里闷闷的现在！唉~~

这三个星期以来，我都在实习。实习的过程虽然不是一切顺心，但总的来说，我觉得还是很满意。因为我真的从这里学到很多东西，也看得到这些东西弹劾实际价值。我甚至可以想象怎么把所学的应用在FYP上。所以我认为这次的实习获益良多。有时候当然会觉得很累，每天有做不完的工作，但是同事们对我都很好，所以我还撑得过。那天才跟他们去看了场电影，很喜欢我的同事们。朋友也对我的实习很是支持。很感谢佩琦，因为那天我工作不顺利所以心情很差，于是想约她吃晚饭顺便大吐苦水，不过她在上班，所以我们决定隔天再约见面。那时通电话的时候，我其实什么也没说，只是说要不要一起吃晚饭，就这样而已，可是她在下班之后又打给我，问我是不是发生了什么事，是不是心情不好，我才觉得真是感动，她像神算一样知道我心情不好！*泪眼汪汪* 当然，也很感激大学的朋友们，真的不断地给我很多鼓励，常陪我吃饭看电影。

其实近期我的人生真的还算不错。很忙碌，很累人，但大致上没有太多不愉快的事。只是，我觉得我有点庸人自扰。

是我想多了吗？是我一厢情愿的相信这一切吗？我怀念我们之前的快乐，但是现在呢？我猜不透你究竟在想些什么！这当中所发生过的种种都让我觉得，有点像在做梦，然而为什么我总是从这梦醒来，醒来之后又回到梦里，接着再醒来，这样反反复复地不断上演着一场独角戏呢？

2010-12-27T01:49:00.001+08:00

两颗心找的都是爱情，但却总是说，自己在找寂寞。

等一等，爱情

2010-12-13T00:10:00.001+08:00

喜欢，喜欢2005年那场戏，喜欢她全家排队等吃饭的德士司机，喜欢金城武和梁咏琪走在一起，喜欢祖儿的眼泪，喜欢克勤的画，喜欢他俩因为德士结怨，结缘，错过，分开，遗憾，然后相知相惜。最喜欢，喜欢他们兜兜转转，寻寻觅觅，等了又等，十年之后，终于还是在一起。喜欢 “爱情像德士，有时你等它，有时它等你，只要你愿意，一定会等到的。” ♥

好喜欢这部戏。:)

2010-11-14T13:52:00.003+08:00

Alright. Finally have some time to update this little space.

Not that I have much to say because my life is just filled with school work currently. I've more than come to terms with it so it's no longer such an awful period for me. Though I will always remember the times when I had 8 projects and 2 part time jobs all ongoing simultaneously. Hah! :P

But life is a lot better. I always have awesome friends to pull me through the worst times. A lot of thanks to Peggy~ who's not only been listening to my rantings, helping me with my projects' interview, helping me calm down over internship trouble, watching horror movies with me even though she typically doesn't, waking me up for school and thus preventing me from being late or skipping early morning lessons, and so much so much more. Thank you so much! :D Dinner/lunch treat soon! :D

My advert groupmates and marketing groupmates have also been awesome! Love sushi with you guys, tweeting with you guys, talking crap and bitching with you guys. <3>

Jemin too, who has been the main receiver of my complaints and has been helping me deal with negative emotions. Hahha.. Thank you so much! You do know you are very important pillar of support for me.

Many others not mentioned here doesn't mean you are not appreciated ok! Because I'm eternally grateful for all the support I'm getting, big or small. Love you all so so much.

2010-10-23T19:02:00.002+08:00

How come when I try my best to be a good friend to people, they don't appreciate it, then when I don't bother anymore, they come and ask me why I'm so mean?

I'm very tired. I don't know what people want from me.

2010-10-18T01:47:00.002+08:00

如果我连我这人的根本存在都放弃的话，那我到底还剩下什么？

其实乐观有什么错？有抱负有什么错？我没有理想化我的人生，我只是尽可能地在我有限的范围里带给自己与身边的人最大的快乐。我错在哪里？我不觉得我错了。

我不愿意屈服于别人的愤世嫉俗。我不愿意成为这城市的行尸走肉。我不愿意不甘不愿地过着别人所谓“还不错”的人生。我只是觉得我没可能因为别人的冷言冷语而牺牲我心中那暖呼呼的部分。如果把这一切都夺走了，我这人到底还剩下什么？

我不想再怀疑我自己的原则。尽管其他人不认同或理解。我不想再给人机会问我，我为什么不懂事。我不是一个以自我为中心的人，我不会自私自利，但我清楚知道，什么时候是我该为自己做点事的时候。为自己，也为我身边的人。我只是想快乐，想我身边的人也快乐。请不要质疑我的认真。

我说完了。我的心，伤透了。

原本以上的文字只发布于twitter. 只是，我的twitter不随便让人follow, 看到这些的人相对来说少了很多。而我希望，如果有人跟我身处同样的处境，他或她可以从我的领悟得到一点启发和力量。有些时候，我们真应该鼓起勇气，不要害怕失败，好好的放胆去追逐自己要的一切，而这需要我们抛开别人对我们的成见。加油。共勉之。

2010-10-03T01:09:00.002+08:00

I honestly honestly honestly think that my insecurity is what's sabotaging all my relationships with people. I really have to stop doing this.

But... really.. I feel so helpless everytime this issue comes up. I don't know how to stop letting my insecurity get the better of me. Even though I consciously stop myself from feeling that way most of the time, but it's almost like this feeling just won't go away. Ugh.

2010-10-02T15:15:00.002+08:00

不知不觉已经是2010年的十月了。

我忍不住问我自己，为什么我的人生还没开始呢？

最近的每个夜晚，我的脑子里都装了太多东西。很累，却睡不着。

我总觉得自己是在生存，不是生活。而这跟我希望的人生有所差距，所以我感到不甘心。我不甘心这样度过我的人生。而偏偏我不是那种可以盲目地过生活的人，就是那种，过一天是一天，抱着得过且过的态度在生存的那种人。我不是。我不是。我无奈到心里忍不住在大喊，我不是！

但尽管如此，我不知道问题出在哪里。

为什么我的人生还没开始？

2010-09-11T18:26:00.003+08:00

I've really had enough of dealing with a rebellious teenager.

I've really had enough of putting my heart out there, knowing that it will get torn into pieces, and then having to silently fix the pieces after that for you to hurt me again because you know I won't leave, and I can't leave.

I've really had enough of getting hurt over and over again for the same reason.

How is it that the people you love so much can be so oblivious to it?

I just wished you would understand.

2010-09-02T03:32:00.001+08:00

It's only 3days since school started. 3 DAYS!!!!!!

And I have so much work already!

Hope I survive this semester..

2010-08-22T17:14:00.002+08:00

"对任何事物注入感情时，我总是小心翼翼，因为我怕有一天，不管怎样它都会狠狠地让我伤心一次。"

那天在朋友的“非死不可”上看到这句话。感觉真难受。

最近，真的感觉心好沉重，脑子好乱。这么多的问题，都没有答案。过去美好却不停地在我眼前重复。

我只是暂时累得想失忆，把所有烦恼都忘得一干二净。

没有心情，做什么都等于零。别问我问题，我现在不想回应。就算是逃避，也可以暂时避雨。

不知道从什么时候开始，我连面对自己，都无法诚实。好可怕。我真的太害怕受伤。

2010-08-19T18:36:00.001+08:00

我也不知道为什么，我一直听着周杰伦的《说好的幸福呢》，眼泪停不下来。

2010-08-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

昨天我去看了《雨季》。这是我第一次去看音乐剧，不过，希望往后会有更多更多的机会。

大概是7.40pm，我的心情是期待。一直在犹豫是不是应该现在就入场。五分钟后，我终于还是兴奋难耐地决定进场。在入口处撞见了梁文福他本人。他可是在《雨季》这场音乐剧里扮演着编剧及作词人的角色。很棒！所以在入口处看见他时，我只能用雀跃万分来形容我当时那白痴样。

之后在入席时，我又再次看到他走入席间。当时真的好想好想直接跑上去跟他握个手，然后说我好喜欢好喜欢他的歌词。但不知道这样做是不是有点太过唐突，它会不会直接给我白眼然后闪人，于是我还是没能跟他握上手。

整个音乐剧好棒，每一首歌的歌词都看得出梁文福笔下的细腻情怀。真是从外表看不出来的那种细腻情怀。到底是什么样的人才写得出这样的爱情，这样的执著，这样的遗憾？每字每句看起来是如此地简单，似乎很轻易就能写出的样子，但就是不会有人写得出，不会有人能够写得出如此简单却又如此深刻的每字每句。

当然，演员们的歌声也是没话说的好。陈洁仪的音色很亮很动人，而且她的演唱技巧也很好。我最喜欢的一场戏是陈洁仪与剧中的母亲争吵的那一幕。母亲苦口婆心相劝，谈论曾经年轻过的自己，那份无奈与认命对比着陈洁仪当时的执著与坚定。两人合唱那一首 “我该怎么做”，歌词里写着，“告诉我，该怎么做（我该怎么做），爱怎么会错？（爱真的会错）为什么释放我又束缚我？”（括号的部分是母亲的合音），真的好感人。男主角也很棒，但我想我还是比较喜欢刘俊葳饰演的明理这个角色（也就是第二男主角）。我喜欢他的独白，他的独唱那首歌 “渺小的我”也让我眼角湿湿的。虽然也是因为歌词太打动人心，但刘俊葳的诠释也很棒。真的好入戏。也喜欢陈洁仪和刘俊葳的声音随着年龄而改变。从年少的执著轻狂，到后来的历尽沧桑，声音也随着这样的转变而转变，很微妙，但也显示出演员们对角色的揣摩及钻研做得十足。王梅和阿玲这两个角色所呈献的对比，我也觉得做得很好。

在看这场戏的时候，我也很留意那些饰演路人们的演员。真是很专业。虽然是个连名字也没有的路人，但表情还是做得十足。尤其在马头和机场的那些离别场景，每位路人脸上的悲伤和依依不舍都显露无遗，每一个演得都仿佛自己才是主角。专业精神可嘉！

喜欢舞蹈的编排，很多动作都让人觉得真是经过精心策划来带出角色的情绪，而非使用几个动作连贯的姿势拼凑出来毫无意义的表演。场景布置也很好。虽然在这方面我其实没多大的认识，但在我看来，能够体现一个年代，一个时间地点的布景就是好的布景。

换言之，这场歌剧真的好赞。如果有兴趣，但还是迟迟未买票的话，赶快去买吧！就算不信我，也要相信那剧末长达近三分钟的掌声。我想那晚，每个人都抱着很满足的心情回家。我还买了音乐剧的光碟。这份美丽值得永远保存。

2010-08-05T13:41:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking about moving to wordpress or wu ming xiao zhan.

But I don't know what to do with all the memories here.

So I really can't decide. :(

And So I've Finally Turned 21! :D

2010-07-27T13:43:00.002+08:00

I don't feel very much different from when I was 20. I guess maybe the idea of being 21 is not settling down much in me yet. hahaha. I am STILL as childish as ever.

But I've had awesome birthday celebrations with the lovelies. :) The 3-day spread was really fun!

Went to new york new york with Siew Li on saturday. And we had candy floss (courtesy of chin siang). And everyone's just looking at us cus usually only the kids take the candy floss. But whatever, it's the last day I'm spending as a 20 year old, I get to do whatever I like. :p We had originally wanted to go personalize a cake but they were closed after we are done with dinner, so we got really cute muffins instead. I just finished the last muffin hehehe.

Sunday (which is my birthday itself) woke up reallll early and met hoonie to go to the discovery centre to buy tickets for our 3D movie! :D Emz joined us after church. Show was awesome, 3D effect was awesome, but film quality can be improved. hahah. Anyway, it's cheaper watching 3D movies at discovery centre so those of you who wanna have a shot can go give it a try. It's quite near Joo Koon MRT I realised. So rather convenient. Then we cabbed down to IMM and had lunch at Hoshi. The jap buffet is quite pricey but the food was average. So I'm sure there are better buffets around. But we still had a great time. Hoonie, as usual, spammed chawanmushi. -.- OH! And they gave me 21 gifts for my 21st birthday. Sooo sweet! :D And it includes this big and beautiful balloon and rose! The balloon is the awesome kind where a smaller balloon is placed into a larger balloon. I really heart balloons like that~!!!!!!!! :D And the rose is beautiful. It's still sitting on my desk right now. :) lovely. And the other gifts are awesome. They handmade me a card and a scrapbook which is now up to me to complete. I can already imagine how awesome it would be when the whole scrapbook is completed. Maybe 5 years later, I will show it to them again to see how much we've changed over the years. :D

Met the family for a wonderful dinner at Fish & Co. :) I was so full that entire day omg. *_*
And because of that, my birthday cake is still sitting in the fridge. Untouched. Because I've been so full for the past 3 days I've got no space for even a slice of cake. Maybe I'll skip dinner tonight and cut the cake. :)

And on my birthday so many random people wished me a happy birthday. The staff at discovery centre and fish & co especially. Oh and everyone came up to me and told me my balloon is beautiful. :D I love it too. It's currently tied to my chair. Thank you hoonie and emz!!!! :D

Monday afternoon, met Angela and Ferlicia for KTV. Awesome. Yanzi's songs are awesomeeee. Hahahah.. But I woke up damn late that day. Cus I had too much fun on my birthday. :) After KTV, Peggy joined us for dinner at Just Acia. Pictures should be up on facebook soon. Oh and they gave me this huge ass Hello Kitty head plushie! Mad loves! So big and fluffy! "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!" I'm hugging it as I type this. Oh and it has a pink bow. Mad loves again! hahaha. After dinner, we went on the SG flyer! It's my first time on the flyer because I always find it a waste to pay 30 bucks to go on a gigantic ferris wheel. But there was a promotional price for students this time round. So just 10bucks per person! Not too bad. :) So excited when it got to the maximum altitude I keep yelling for people to take pictures. hahahah. The view was nice... but the ride was a bit too fast leh. :( Wanted to stay on that thing longer. Peggy was so afraid throughout the entire ride hahahaha. Damn waste money, she just sat on the seat and sulked about 70% of the time. While on the rider, they gave me part 2 of my present which was this compilation of photos pasted on the back of a Hello Kitty whiteboard. And messages were attached to the whiteboard itself. I have so many hello kitty gifts. hahaha Not that I'm complaining though. :p

It's been an awesome 3 days. And now I really have to get back to studying cus exam tmr! Goodness! But the fun is not over yet. Meeting more people after exams! Can't waittttttt! :D And my GV17 groupmates are awesomessss! hehe.

2010-07-19T02:38:00.003+08:00

I've never felt so unhappy doing something I love so much.

It's not supposed to be like this. :(

I just hope everything ends in peace. And the good things (like the friends I've made) will stay and the bad things will just go awayyy. :(

2010-07-05T00:05:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking it's about time for me to write something here.

Well nothing much has been going on. I started my special term II about 2 weeks ago. And so far, it's been alright. My groupmates are nice people. :) I think the best thing about going to school is making friends. Not that you can't make friends outside of school, but there's something about friendship fostered through school that's just different.

I've been watching awesome movies too. Toy Story 3 was great. And to think I was cynical at first because I wasn't very intrigued by Toy Story (the first one). The movie really made me laugh at some parts, and then other parts I felt like crying because it was just too sweet and heartwarming.

Also watched Knight & Day. Think I wanna watch it again! :D It's mad awesome and hilarious. I kept laughing because Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are so cute in the show. And need I even mention Tom Cruise is soooooooo handsome!!! Tom Cruise beats Christian Bale in The Dark Knight anytime I swear.

I'm packed full of activities this week. Which means I must find a way to source for more money. Hahaha. Oh and I really wanna catch Eclipse with hoonie soon! Despicable me also coming out soon, I can't wait!!! And I am mad excited about meeting Wanteng tomorrow :D

Life's been so good to me, actually.

但是我的心好乱。已经乱到一个我不知道该如何解释的地步了。所以我想，还是算了。真的没什么好解释。

2010-06-22T22:22:00.001+08:00

Ive been feeling so miserable.

Please just pretend I'm dead for a while.

2010-06-04T02:22:00.003+08:00

I'm concerned with doing what's good for me because I have spent way too much time doing what's good for people who are not even worth it.

That's the last I'm going to say to justify myself because I shouldn't have to change who I am just because someone else has a problem with it.

2010-06-01T03:48:00.003+08:00

and I once thought that I will never be able to walk away too
but I did
I eventually did
so that unhealthy people would stop hurting me

Once in a while it comes back and haunts me.

I need closure. So I'm walking away. I will sew up this wound. I fight back those tears. Because I never want you in my life again. Not a single bit.

I want to stop being emotionally manipulated by you so that I can finally enjoy the company of others.

2010-05-29T03:12:00.002+08:00

梁静茹 - 崇拜

你的姿态你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

我活了我爱了我都不管了
心爱到疯了恨到算了就好了
可能的可以的真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎么你却不敢了呢
我还以为我们能不同于别人
我还以为不可能的不会不可能

你的姿态你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

我活了我爱了我都不管了
心爱到疯了恨到算了就好了
可能的可以的真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎么你却不敢了呢
我还以为我们能不同于别人
我还以为不可能的不会不可能

你的姿态你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

风筝有风海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白所以离开
所以不再为爱而爱
自己存在在你之外
---------------------------------------

最近才发现，这首歌的词形容我们形容得如此贴切。

而就连以前跟你唱着这首歌的时候，我竟然也没发现。

那时的我，实在中毒太深。

够了。

2010-05-21T00:12:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really don't understand how some people can be so selfish and treat everyone else like their personal slaves.

2010-05-09T21:29:00.002+08:00

Oh I had a great time yesterday with Han Hoon (she no longer remembers her own name and I feel obliged to remind her) and Bee Em. We headed out for lunch at Shokudo and then we hung out and had dinner at Pastamania before heading home. So very enjoyable! I love going out with them. :) We talked and shopped and ate. And I managed to get mummy a nice gift for mother's day. All is well.

But felt really tired on the way back. Could be the bus but throughout the journey I felt like sleeping. hahha. But it was a day well spent. Tired but very happy. :D

I hope we get to do this more often. Remember our date about the omni-theatre thing at science centre. And our christmas plans :D

2010-05-08T00:32:00.002+08:00

Such a pleasant day it is. :)

Had lunch with peggy :D then headed off to VivoCity. We dropped by the HP customer service centre to send her laptop to repair. Haha. Spent some time "arguing" with the people there. Hopefully, things will eventually work out.

Anyway, our point of going to Vivo is to catch "Shutter Island". I admit it has a somewhat clever plot, and definitely a surprising turn of events in the end. But i don't know, I kind of feel disappointed. I really really really would have preferred it a lot more if everything just went according to andrew laeddis' hallucinations. That he really was a cop... who was there to solve a case, who thought he was there to unveil the truth, and then dang dang dang the clever turn of events comes in the last scene where he is also locked into one of those rooms for the psycho people and this mad flash back of events starts and he realise it was an evil conspiracy to get him turn mad like all the people there toooooooooooooooooooo! oh my god that would have been so exciting, albeit very predictable. sulk sulk and sulk I want things to go my way!

Alright then we had dinner at Greenhouse cafe, food was so so. But peggy says it used to be better. :/ should we give it one more chance?

And then I had a very good cup of tiramisu ice cream. I love everything tiramisu! It is so good. There should be tiramisu bread and tiramisu pizza and tiramisu spaghetti and tiramisu every single thing. okay maybe not tiramisu spaghetti, I have no idea what that would taste like.

And we went shoppingggg! I love shopping. :D

And I will be meeting hoonie love and emzie love for lunch in about 12 hours time. heeheehee i can't wait because I miss them so much it's been so long since we last met up. I love them so much.

Anyway, thanks peggy for watching the movie with me even though you sort of already know what's going on. And thanks for walking back and forth with me in Vivo. :D <3

I haven't felt as happy as I am now in a really really long while.

2010-05-04T17:16:00.002+08:00

Oh goody exams over!

Peggy Jiayou for your last paper!!!! :D <3<3<3<3

快乐

2010-04-26T21:38:00.002+08:00

花了一个下午的时间，读着我最爱的橘子。对橘子的爱很难形容。总觉得怎么说都不够贴切，但我想是因为她的文字让我有一种被了解的感觉。喜欢橘子不做作的文字，喜欢橘子逗趣的呈现方式，喜欢橘子每字每句都像在给我勇气说我没办法说出口的话。心里的平静让我觉得踏实，有勇气向前。

阅读，一辈子都会是我的生命。简单的快乐，看似普通，但是有效最重要。我本是应该准备考试，本是应该应付难搞的statistics, 但今天我只想读一些让我快乐的文字。

我觉得快乐有时候就是这样，需要我们一点点的退让，一点点的牺牲。鱼与熊掌，不可兼得。可能在很多人眼里，我是长不大的孩子，我是任性的哭包。但那对我不重要。我不想让成长夺走我应得的快乐，我不想让成长夺走我停下脚步的权利。我做了太多太多任性无比的事，但这不是因为我长不大，反之，是因为我长大了，所以我任性，所以我更加清楚，我要为我的人生争取什么，牺牲什么。我任性，因为我知道这样下去，我会崩溃，因为我知道这样下去会让太多爱我的人担心牵挂，因为我知道休息是为了走更长远的路，因为我了解考试卷子拿满分不是绝对的快乐，因为那样的快乐太空虚了。我了解快乐有时需要我一点点的退让，一点点的牺牲，我觉得这样值得，尽管没有人苟同于我的决定。

现在的我，就像站在山脚下辛苦往上爬的人。我知道总有一天我回到达山的最顶端，看着一望无际的景色，看着令人陶醉的风景，那时候的我会很快乐，会非常享受眼前那绝无仅有的美丽。但在那之前，我有两个选择。我可以站在山脚下，望着我的脚丫子被一路的泥泞搞得疲惫不堪。但是，我也可以选择，望着被高高的山峰挡住的半片天空，欣赏这个角度的另一种美丽。我选择后者，希望你也是。我们共勉之！

2010-04-23T21:34:00.001+08:00

"But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt someone so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair."

I think you are that kind of person. Hurting me so badly that I can't ever seem to recover. You are that person, who just by living, damage me so badly.

You don't know how instinctively I thought of your name when I read the statement.

2010-04-21T21:24:00.002+08:00

明日日本語のしけんがありますから、私は日本語でブログお書きたいです。

ああ。。でも大変ですね。去年の日本語のしけんの中に、作文は『私の家族』です。私は練習おしたいです。

私の家族が五人です。母と父と姉と弟と私です。私たちはブキト。パンジャングに住んでいます。

私のりょうしんは親切な人です。母は髪が短くて、　顔が丸くて、目が大きいです。母の趣味は食べ物お作ることです。いろいろな食べ物お作ることができます。カレーやシーフードなど、全部でとてもおいしいです。私の家族は毎晩一緒に晩ご飯お食べて、テレビお見て、とても楽しいです。父は背があまり高くないですが親切な人です。今シンガポールの会社に勤めています。父はスポツが大好きです。テニスとゴルフとバドミントンがとても上手です。私は父にスポツおいつも習います。

私の姉は２５歳で学生です。姉はあたまがとてもいいです。でも、とても忙しいですから、私とおとうとに教えることができません。姉は髪がとても長くて、顔も丸くて、母とおなじです。姉と私は読書が大好きです。でも、姉はSFが好きです、私は小説が好きです。弟は１３歳で高校の学生です。私の弟はとてもかわいいくて、目と顔が丸いです。バスケットボールとジョギングが好きです。毎週二回ぐらいジョギングおします。毎回１時間ぐらいです。毎週の土曜日バスケットボールお遊びます。弟はギターお弾くことができます。

私の家族で全部親切な人です。私は大好きです。

じゃ、終わります。とても難しいですね。

でも、１日がありますから、私はがんばってね！

2010-04-19T18:00:00.002+08:00

Thanks to all my friends on exchange. You guys are now scattered everywhere, Hongkong, China, Taiwan, Sweden, but the fact that our physical distance does nothing to lessen the care and concern you guys have for me really makes me feel so much better. Thanks to those who've been accompanying me virtually and chatting with me into the wee hours of the morningwhen I felt so upset and depressed. Thanks to all the words of encouragements, asking me to "hang in there" and assuring me again and again. All these might just be simple words but they mean so much to me and they've gotten me through so many depressing moments.

Thank you.

2010-04-05T21:05:00.002+08:00

不知道为什么，心情好的时候，觉得自己真的好幸福。身边那么多支持我的人，让我不必一个人与烦恼相互挣扎。只是等到真的开始觉得承受不了压力，变得很沮丧的时候，才发现自己那么孤独。那么那么孤独。这时才发现不过是想找个人说说话，不过是想找个人收留我的眼泪，不过是想找个人对我说，“没关系，我都懂”，却望了望身边那么多的朋友之后还是觉得跟谁说都不对。身边的人好多好多，我的心却好空好空，空到眼泪来敲打心房的时候还听得到一滴一滴眼泪掉落的回声。感觉就像自己一个人站在岛上自焚，而全世界都有如隔岸观火般，烧得越是起劲，气氛越是沸腾。

好累。我好累。觉得已经筋疲力尽，支离破碎，却没有办法逃离内心的恐惧。感觉像穿了厚重的盔甲上了战场，万剑穿心，却终究没有办法死去，没有办法避免这一切所带来的恐惧与哀伤。厚重的盔甲散成一地废铁，我却连拾起碎片的筋力都没有，只能躺在废墟中苦苦挣扎，眼睁睁地看着自己的灵魂慢慢吞噬自己。

又是难熬的一天。回家的路上，我坐在巴士的最后方偷偷掉眼泪。

我在电话中听着弟弟的声音，一直哭一直哭。

他轻轻拍着我的头，安抚我剧烈疼痛的心。我只懂得哭，在他的肩上痛哭失声，心里多么希望可以拿出一把剑，把自己碎成千千万万段。

他不明白我的眼泪，但至少他知道如何对待我的眼泪。

2010-04-02T18:16:00.000+08:00

Things have finally sunk to a new low.

2010-03-29T20:36:00.001+08:00

Why is it that I feel so miserable about everything?

2010-03-25T23:23:00.002+08:00

I've been terribly busy. :(

Been trying to clear 6 projects for the past few weeks. Ever since grandma died, nothing seems to be going right.

COM232 social activism poster assignment is finally done. Thank you all who have been such a great help for lending me props and equipments and giving me advice. Most importantly, wanna thank Hoonie most for being my model. I'm really thankful because it's not easy for her to be my model after being so tired from work. And at the second photoshoot we had, we took so long to get it done because I just can't seem to get the photos right. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time sweetheart! And causing you to have to move things around your room just for my shoot! And thanks to your family who have been so hospitable all the while I was there. You've really given me more than I can ever repay. Loves much! :)

The social activism poster has really cost me a lot. My health, my sleep, a lot of money and my attendance for other modules. I'm just awfully glad that this is finally done. And we're finally proceeding with our third assignment. Part of me is really thankful that the exams for this module is scraped. Can you possibly imagine my plight if after spending so much time and effort on my taxing assignments (3 of them at that) I still have to spend time revising the theories?

Now I'm sick. which is certainly going to affect my progress for my revision as well as my other projects. I feel so sorry towards my other groupmates. I am working hard to make up for that. Gosh how I hate being sick during the school term.

I've also not been sleeping well lately, all my dreams are about my projects that just forces me to wake up periodically through the night. I'm stressed, and there's no time to relieve this stress. I'm definitely behind schedule for HMJ3 and HP101. Hope to catch up with it this weekend though.

The best things that have happened to me for the past few weeks are probably the realisation (perhaps not realisation, more like reaffirmation) that I have awesome friends and that mummy bought me a new mini bolster.

I'm dying for a good break. But I don't think it's about to happen anytime soon. And whatever the case may be, I have to resist all my doubts at the moment and pull through the 2 months ahead.

Sometimes you rush so much for life you forget what you're rushing for. This is what I've been feeling constantly throughout this semester. It's starting to drown out my goals.

2010-03-14T01:09:00.002+08:00

Grandma passed away on Friday.

This is one of those things you feel obliged to tell people about even when you don't really want to do it.

But I am fine.

2010-03-12T01:04:00.002+08:00

This whole Jack Neo thing is making my blood boil.

"The media should just let it go," I quote my friend.

And if the media really let it go, do you know who is the one who benefits the most? JACK NEO.

And if the media really let it go, what is the media trying to tell us and the young minds of our nation? Cheating on your wife is alright? It is not a shameful thing?

"Oh don't worry. Anyway nobody will find out about this. Only that your wife will be very upset. But it's okay, you get to keep your dignity, everything else is not important."

This reminds me of Jackie Chan and his, "我只是犯了一个每个男人都会犯的错."

Who knows, maybe his wife really really needed this Catharsis.

2010-03-03T13:51:00.002+08:00

我读完了一本我早该读完的书。

最近不知怎么的，脑海里经常闪过一些奇怪的念头。就连晚上做梦，也是很奇怪的梦。

其实，我总是很尽力的去接受身边的人最真实的样子，尽管有时他们真实的样子让我受伤，让我无法接受，但我还是尝试说服自己每个人都该有做自己的权利。

而我之所以总是很尽力的去尝试接受并体谅一些我原本完全不能接受并体谅的事情的原因，是因为，我也好希望，好希望我身边的人也会接受并体谅我。

但最近听了一些不太好听的人与事，我才发现，我不能接受并体谅的，是其他人无法接受并体谅我。

2010-02-17T02:45:00.002+08:00

2.45am in the morning and I am trying to read up about "Depression".

Now, that is depressing.

Well, anyway, found this website that wrote about depression really beautifully.

Depression is a warm, suffocating blanket. It smothers the will into won't, and the can into can't. It protects the soul from the bitterness of promise, concealing one from life while the non-sequitur of truth admonishes hope for hoping. A fire burns under the blanket, and the fuel is the ego. Faith has no place under the blanket.

Love the way the words are used. I'm feeling like I can relate to this, cus recently there's just too much going on. Faith indeed has no place under a blanket like this.

Another section

Many people seem unable to get caught up in depression while others seem willingly trapped - some even making a home for themselves in the fires of hell. This selective inescapability is eerily similar to addiction, suggesting the two may well be joined at the hip

Not as good as the first one but good enough.

I took this off the The Metaphor Observatory by the way.
http://www.metaphorobservatory.com/2005/09/not-so-great-depression.html

P/S am not depressed. I'm doing a social activism poster for my assignment and depression is my chosen topic. By the time I finish this, I will be depressed, but for now, I'm good.

2010-02-13T01:22:00.001+08:00

so god damn tired.

everything's just not going right recently.

thank you peggy for going shopping with me. it meant alot to me.

2010-01-29T01:15:00.001+08:00

Need to leave this place to keep my sanity

2010-01-15T20:00:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I've never felt like anyone in this world loved me for who I truly am, not even my parents.

Except maybe one person.

And now, I'm going to have to accept that you might never love me again.

And you don't know how alone it makes me feel. That if someone like you could give up on me, then anybody would.

School, once more.

2010-01-14T15:14:00.002+08:00

I've been going through a series of discouraging events lately. But it's difficult to even try to verbalise this to anyone.

I am shocked at the amount of effort (which is none) my friend put in to empathise with my worries. Maybe it's just not very important to her.

School has been alright. Not as good as I wished it was, but I have to be thankful for the things that are going my way. And for the things that are not, I'll just make the best of the situation. Just really really hope that graphic comm will not kill me because I think it is something I really wanna do.

Read an email from sam, "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."

Maybe this is what I really need.

2010-01-01T16:29:00.001+08:00

Happy 2010!! :D

Had a great time at Marina Bay. :D The fireworks were awesoooooooooooooooome!
So so so so so pretty aww...

I'm definitely going back there for countdown :D

Had a busy week. School is starting soon. Many people are probably gonna kill me for this but I am really looking forward to school.

Watched lots of great movies recently. Like Bodyguards and Assassins, Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 and Sherlock Holmes (JUDE LAWWWWW!) So angela, if you're reading this, Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 was awesome! :D

Hmm.. I think the fireworks really nursed my tattered soul. :) Just what I needed before school kicks in again.

Right now, I have some pressing decisions to make. and I do not have the slightest idea as to what to do. But I will figure it out.

My new year resolution is to start meeting my resolutions. Hah!

2009-12-25T01:16:00.001+08:00

我可以接受我的朋友不爱我，但我不能接受我的朋友在不爱我的时候，假装爱我。

2009-12-24T00:55:00.002+08:00

竟然还是哭了。。。

哭过就好了
痛都会走的
记忆有限
所以它会淘汰坏的
失眠听歌
想念虽然苦涩
还是谢谢你让我长大了
越多美好堆叠的过往
想忘就得推倒更大的悲伤
要找勇气却不在口袋或手上
但它一定在我身上
某个地方

2009-12-13T23:46:00.002+08:00

I try my best to be at my 100%, but I don't actually want to be there, and I know I never will.

And I'm okay with that. Because I'm just saying that I won't let imperfection become an excuse. I try to be perfect but I'm okay with not getting there.

Just recently, I've been thinking about what it really means when people say, "Nobody's perfect".

I'm not trying to sound like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory (LOL) but, ahem, from the data at hand, you really can't say that. The only thing that you can say with absolute certainty is that "I haven't met anyone who is perfect."

What if there is someone in this world who is perfect? Or maybe perfection is too much of a relative term.

If I meet someone who is perfect, I'd say, "It must be terrible to be perfect."

Because then you don't know. You don't know who really like you for who you are. People must want to take full advantage of you when you are perfect. No?

And I guess it's when you are imperfect that you know for sure, that the people who care and tolerate your bullshit are doing it because they value you.

Because they really really like you and want you in their life, however imperfect you may be.

2009-12-05T15:53:00.003+08:00

考试终于都过了。

考试过后，我的心情并没有想象中雀跃，反而，我只是觉得心里很平静，很踏实。可能因为这个学期，我真的真的很尽力。不管别人说什么，我知道我自己真的尽力了。虽然很多科目的考试，我都觉得成绩应该不会很理想，但是我清楚知道我用尽了100% 的精力，就算到最后得到的回报不成正比，我也认了。唯有期望我可以在每个未来的学期里，不断地进步，那就很好。

这个学期真的很忙，忙到很盲。不是，不是想说过的不开心。反观，我倒觉得这个学期的我过得比往常开心很多。可能因为这个学期真的让我认清了很多事吧。

我不否认，这个学期刚开始时，碰到了很多困难，心里的怨言很多很多。不清楚自己未来要走的方向，课业上无法取得突破，不停的钻牛角尖，与伙伴相处欠佳，使得专题作业处处碰壁。刚开始时，差一点就想举白旗。

只是，后来我才慢慢发觉原来我把这一切抓得太紧，把自己绷得太紧，一切都紧张兮兮地，反而什么都做不来，都做不好。单老师曾经跟我说过，其实不要那么紧紧地关注着自己的成绩，反而会让成绩进步。本来我还不明白她的意思，不过现在我懂了，而我只能说，这些都是必经之路，唯有自己经历过，才能有所领悟。

当然，朋友给予我的鼓励，也让我更快的明白我到底应该怎么做。而认清一切之后，有了方向，清楚自己要的是什么，我便努力地，尽力地去做好所有我份内的事。只是，或许这样还不够。因为埋头苦干，也很容易让人感到迷惘。

可能我在认清目标后，冲得太快了吧，没有停下脚步好好的想想自己做的一切，于是才会觉得迷惘失措。

不过，还好，都还好。至少我还是走过来了，依然清楚我要的是什么，知道如何达到这些目标。至少经过这段艰辛的路程，我更清楚谁对我真正关心，谁对我不离不弃，谁又对我的存在冷眼旁观，谁又对我虚情假意，我看得很明白。至少这段时期，让我明白了很多人生的道理。人生本该不是一切顺心的，有点挫折，有点阻碍，克服了，人生才精彩。

Realize that sometimes, success is like sand, the harder you try to hold on to it, the faster it slips away.

2009-11-11T19:43:00.002+08:00

Every wednesdays, I am a happy kid, for more reasons than just randomness. And I have every intention for things to stay that way. Yet, things have finally been disturbing enough for me to write something here.

Honestly speaking, I am more than just a little disappointed with my 206 video assignment. In fact, "more than just a little disappointed" is an understatement. I am largely fed up with the way it has turned out.

And I have no one else to blame but myself. (This I have to stress in case anybody reading this thinks I'm blaming my groupmates for my unhappiness.)

After giving the judging criteria much thought, I believe the video will be heavily penalised for the inappropriateness of the content for a 1 minute video. It was my idea. And I apologise for that. There were many details in our video that we had to compromise. And this was no one's fault, except maybe time's.

I was a difficult groupmate. I am fully aware of this. I won't try to make excuses for my inappropriate attitude, but I am going to say just one thing to defend myself. In my humble opinion, the unhappiness I created because of the conflict I had with my groupmates was due to an incongruence in our opinions of how things should be done, as well as a vastly different idea of what contributes to a good piece of work. And that I accept, because I know people all have different ways of seeing things.

On hindsight, I could have handled my displeasure much much better than I did, and I know that because of all the other groups I've worked with this semester. I didn't always agree with my other groupmates, but I helped them see things in my perspective nicely. And I don't know why I didn't do the same for my video assignment group. I'm sorry but I have no explanations for my bad temper. It has been years, maybe about 4 or 5 years, since I was last this angry with anyone.

I admit that I am my worst critic. I think everybody is. I am used to being harsh to myself for the quality of work I submit. And this may be just enough reason to deem all that I have just written as crap. Some of the friends I've talked to about this assignment tells me I'm expecting too much, they tell me I'm trying too hard to make things perfect. I'm not a perfectionist, or at least I do not think so. And I'm sure some of my other friends will support me for that. I understand that perfection is not attainable. But I do not wish for that to become a convenient excuse for my bad performance at work. It is too easy to tell ourselves that we will never be perfect. All too easy because it is indeed true.

In my opinion, the fact that perfection is not achievable does not mean that we can't strive for perfection. A little difficult to explain. But let me give you some scenarios.

Too many times I've witnessed both myself and others use the idea of "Perfection is not achievable" as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

"Oh I got a B+ for my essay. I thought I deserved an A? Well, nobody's perfect. Maybe I'm just not good at this."

Is it just me? Many people whom I see doing this justify themselves by insisting that they are not using it as an excuse, they are merely acknowledging that it is only in their best interest to not be so hard on themselves. Yes, I guess you can argue it this way too. But the line is too hard to draw, isn't it? Some people use it as an excuse without even knowing it.

I just don't want to compromise my assignments for this undefined line. For the simple fact that it means too much to me. But well, for now, I accept the ideology of "let go and let live".

Post note: Peggy, I only saw your post on perfection after I wrote this. It is pure coincidence that we have written seemingly opposing views on the idea of perfection. My post was never intended to be a reply or an attack to what you've written so please do not take offense.

2009-11-02T22:47:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've been extremely frustrated with school work. My expectations for myself as well as my groups have not been well met. I am upset about handing up half-hearted work, but yet, there is nothing I can do to change this fact. I hate it, when I have no absolute control over the kind of work I submit. I also hate it because I know this one wrong step will cause all my previous efforts to go to waste, and oh how I really hate to see my previous efforts go to waste!

But amongst being frustrated with all the things I can't do, I'm grateful to all who have been there for me to watch me fall and then get up again, to comfort me and listen to my problems and worries, to always be there even if sometimes I choose to isolate myself from them.

I am thankful for the friends who have been giving me so much support at work, I really am. And I appreciate that.

Thank you for walking me through this trying period. :) I will still give my very best at work. :)

2009-11-01T12:54:00.002+08:00

If I'm really your friend, like you said I am, then how come I am only important to you when you desperately need my help?

But I don't need you to reflect anymore. Just get out.

2009-10-26T23:18:00.003+08:00

I hate myself because I care for people who don't even give a damn about me.

Why do I feel the need to please you all the time? Especially when I know you don't even deserve it.

And just who do I go to when I need help? Not you, oh no, certainly not. I've been disappointed enough.

It's stupid when I let people like you traumatize me so much then I can no longer trust anyone with my heart.

My heavy heart. :(

This post should not even be here, and yet it is.

2009-10-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

I regret writing an honest post, but I have already done so, and people who shouldn't have read it have read it, and there's nothing I can do. Hence, it will stay there.

我想是偶尔难免沮丧，想离开，想躲起来。心里的期待总是填不满。我看着山下千万的窗，谁不曾感到失望？就算会彷徨，也还要去闯！

2009-10-19T23:06:00.003+08:00

Everytime people praise my language/writing skills, I feel so happy. I feel so happy because I am recognised for something I enjoy.

But I also can't help but feel despondent. Because I know that with whatever I have at present, I could jolly well be the bottom 2% in CS. And not just with reference to language/writing skills.

Gone are the days where I can present relatively coherent thoughts and substantial ideas for discussion. Nowadays I sit in front of my laptop, looking at the discussion board, having no idea what to say. I hate to admit it, but the reason why I hate discussion boards is because I have nothing worth contributing and I am actually conscious of it, and I don't know why. I remember enjoying GP classes back in JC, because it's the only time we get to think, instead of blindly following tutorials and lecture notes like what we do for most of the other subjects. We actually get to think and present arguments and engage in productive discussions as a class. I was a fervent contributor, I remember, never holding back my thoughts, always eager to share my point of view. In fact, I almost always have something to say, granted they may not be excellent input, granted I may not always know a lot about the issue discussed, but I never felt like I was incapable of thinking. Now, the idea of putting a name to my thoughts intimidates me so much I don't even try.

And gradually, I find myself lacking in thoughts. Gradually, I find that I can't think anymore. I don't have anything to say. I don't have any opinions no matter what is discussed, and even when I do have an opinion, I tell myself to shut up. Especially when I'm in school, when I'm with my peers.

And this is affecting me in many areas, writing being one of the areas I'm most concerned about. You see, these days, other than my assignments, notes and this crappy blog, I don't write anything else. I've never felt so handicapped in writing. I remember how I used to enjoy writing so much that I write even when I'm not required to by the school. And it's because I enjoy the process, not that I want a better grade for my writing (though that often comes as a bonus!).

Is it because of COM204? Did it frighten me so much I have no more confidence in my writing? I long to be able to write like I do in the past, where thoughts just come, and words just flow, but I don't know what's holding me back. Is it fear? Fear that I may never be able to write anything worth reading again? I've stopped writing about my deepest thoughts ever since I took COM204. My blog is but a compilation of mundane daily activities and crappy complaints. I've stopped jotting my thoughts down on pen and paper like I used to. Because even I am afraid to read the things I write. I don't want to disappoint myself again, the way I did at COM204.

This fear of writing is troubling me so much, because before I came into CS, my self-worth was largely made up of my ability to write. By that, I mean that I recognise that my writing still have a lot of room for improvement, but I never felt like giving up. My self-worth grew from my determination to keep improving my writing.

And ever since I gave up writing, I just don't know who I am anymore.

And this entry is perhaps the only entry that I've been honest with myself since a really long time.

2009-10-17T21:51:00.003+08:00

Is it because I'm just not used to such inefficient group mates or are these people really going way overboard testing my patience?

Sigh. I tried to stop myself from jumping to conclusions, but what they have done so far just makes me want to slap a dummy.

School has been so good recently! Everything is going well. And I really don't want these people to ruin it for me.

2009-10-16T00:29:00.002+08:00

I hate being sick! :(

Hopefully I will be well enough for school tomorrow. BECAUSE I REALLY WANNA BE IN SCHOOL TOMORROW! RAHHH

Success is waking up being so excited about what you're gonna do that you literally fly out the door. - Jenny Garrison (Played by Kay Panabaker), Fame 2009

I am almost there, if I can keep this up.

2009-10-14T21:24:00.002+08:00

How do you know my dimwitted inexperience isn't really a subtle form of manipulation used to lower people's expectations, thereby enhancing my ability to maneuver myself within any given situation? - Dewey, Scream 2

Don't let people belittle you.
Oh, they don't know the truth about you.

How ever much I disclose about myself to people, it is merely a choice I made on what pages of me they get to read. How dare they speak like they know me better than I do, right?

2009-10-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

My problem is with anybody who just vanishes and waltzes back in expecting to be instantly forgiven.

People are gonna give you lotsa promises.

Promises that they never meant to fulfill.

And in the end, you could be just a tool, a tool to facilitate their achievements.

And they will give you rubbish excuses to convince you.

And if you believe them, you better not complain about the pain.

2009-10-05T20:29:00.002+08:00

さだこはまどのそとにあります！

Yet another classic Japanese Class joke. hahahaha.

Jap class never fails to make me laugh.

2009-10-01T13:32:00.004+08:00

It's weird.

You've been missing for about 90% of my University life because you are too busy with your own. And now that you're no longer as busy, you expect me to give you 100% attention because you just don't think I am as busy as you were?

Oh really?

You amuse me.

It's not that I don't want to be there for my friends. But I think this is going overboard. You only want me to entertain your nonsense because you've got nothing to do. Well ya, you know, if I'm free, I probably wouldn't mind. But when I have piling work, and am struggling to complete numerous projects, it really doesn't help that you insist on behaving like a spoilt child.

I know I'm too petty, but I can't help it that everytime you want me to keep you entertained, I get reminded of the days that I felt helpless and you weren't there. Or the days you ignored my concerned messages. I get reminded a lot too, about how you only attempted to make small chit chat when you needed my help. Those days. Those bad days.

And now, I just can't urge myself to put in more effort in this anymore. Because I know that eventually, when you start to have a life again, I'll be forgotten, thrust aside like old wallpaper.

And I don't want to feel that way again.

2009-09-26T21:36:00.003+08:00

我觉得一个人最大的寂寞，就是无法喜欢自己。自己跟自己疏离，对自己陌生，对自己所选择的人生无法给予正面评断，我觉得很悲伤。
- 九把刀

我也觉得很悲伤啊。

但喜欢自己，不是只是自己努力，就能换回来的。真的不是。

但喜欢自己的人怎么可能明白，怎么可能愿意体谅，这一切其实需要很多人的配合。

不要依据你幸福生活的眼光，来评论我的残缺，那是伤害，对我来说。

The Mega Thank You Post!

2009-09-21T14:19:00.002+08:00

Gosh I'm so tired! Haven't had a chance to sleep properly in weeks. :(

But even then, I must come here to shout a big THANK YOU to sweetheart HOONIE for once again helping out for my school assignment!

I really appreciate that you always so readily agree to helping me for my school assignments, especially since I've never ever helped you in your school assignments before. I feel so guilty. :/

And thanks for wasting your entire sunday on me, and enduring all the heat, and do all the running, and carrying all the heavy things, and using so much of your eyedrops to cry for me, and dirtying your shoes and clothes and so much more and so much more!!!!!!!!

I am so damn touched. I've been such a lousy friend but you are still so nice to me. Sobs Sobs!

THANK YOU THANK YOU! 我爱你SO MUCH! :D

2009-09-19T22:35:00.003+08:00

:D

I had a fantastic dinner with the besties last night! :D :D

We had steamboat at canteen B. And the amount of food is ridiculous! (Actually, so is the fire) But it was a good dinner cus I was hungry like mad!

And the entire atmosphere felt like a CNY gathering. And peggy kiap food for me some more, and people only kiap food for me at CNY dinners!! So when peggy kiap food for me, I was so...... (don't know how to describe, go this mushy feeling inside). :)

And then we went Juront Point shopping and I splurged on hairbands, again!

On the way back, I met Tan Shi Hui!!!!! Hahahha She is so cute! The way she laugh is so cute.

Fridays are good days because of dinner with nice people. :D

And! Soya bean milk and Twisties!!!!! hahahahhahahahahaha I cannot stop giggling! :D :D

I've been happy, despite all the never ending stress. :D

Expectation Violation Theory

2009-09-17T21:41:00.003+08:00

Recently, I feel hurt by the things people said to me. But I'm not even going to start on all of that shit.

Because I'm jaded pass the point to think about why they are suddenly speaking to me in this manner, and yes, I do mean SUDDENLY.

Sorry, no more brain space. I have too many assignments on hand.

For those who've been encouraging, LIKE PEGGY! :D THANKS SO MUCH!

I appreciate the help from time to time.

I don't want to grow up. And I don't feel that I need to be told off for that decision.

2009-09-16T11:00:00.002+08:00

At this very moment, I just wanna get a strong alcoholic drink in hope that I can concuss successfully after downing it. So that I can push everything away, for once, not care about the expectations of me. It is broad daylight, and I wanna be drunk. -.-

But I can't. Because if I do, people will be offended, too many people will be offended. And I will be held responsible for that. And I don't want to be tied down with more responsibilities than I already have on my back.

Why is this sucky feeling coming back?

I haven't had enough of fun.

It's the way people think they know what is going on simply because in their opinion they've been through too much to not know that really pisses me off. Does it sound like a confusing statement?

But surely, surely an almighty there-is-nothing-I-can't-understand intellectual like you can decipher easily.

2009-09-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

Do you find pleasure in telling others how inadequate and talentless they are?

Do you find pleasure in highlighting to people how they can't even do simple things well?

Do you find pleasure in making others feel inferior to you?

Do you find pleasure in comparing the flaws of people?

If you do, please, tell me how? Tell me, in what sense?

Does it make you happy?

Does it, really?

Truth is, I really hate investing time on you, on us, cus I know nothing will come through.

2009-09-08T15:25:00.003+08:00

Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come round and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for.

Now it's up to you, to fight for me.

I'm tired of always being the one who holds us together.

2009-09-06T14:37:00.000+08:00

Just for the sake of keeping this place alive.

I've been trying desperately to feel better, but I just keep having to deal with assholes on a daily basis.

But I'm alright, just have to hang in there and find the right people to talk to, instead of self righteous people.

School has been tedious. Assignments are piling up and I'm nowhere near completing my readings.

But hey, thanks for besties dinner on friday nights. I believe it will be a source of motivation to help me get by. Hope you all liked the spastic ringtone. :)

Need to get back to work. I need to stop putting up with my life, or it will never go anywhere from here, will it?

2009-08-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

用眼泪洗涤伤口，这样，好吗？

大人的世界太多假设，假设性的语气从来没有让真心哭泣的余地。

我讨厌假设。

我放弃解释，解释在假设面前，渺小得难以启齿。

断章取义，一种割人心的手段，可悲的是用的人永远都不懂。

而对于现在无法再提笔写作的我，只能默默承受伤痕，心情七上八下。

连笔墨也放弃我了吗？

2009-08-23T14:18:00.001+08:00

Dear friends,

I know I've been in a rather worrying situation lately. And I know you guys are baffled, because I've not been revealing much about what exactly I'm going through.

Truth is, I'm experiencing a long chain of problems. Family, friends, school and certain personal issues. But I don't wish to talk about them.

I've been in a bad state, health or otherwise. And many of you told me I look drained, haggard, lethargic. Well, I've been coughing for two weeks, and my refusal to visit the doctor is not helping. I've been losing sleep, a lot a lot of sleep. I've been sleeping for not more than 20hours per week.

And I know that me saying all these, is useless and is not helping the situation because it is only causing you all more worries.

I know many of you wish that I can push myself out of this rut. But truth is, none of you know what's going on. So don't pretend to understand and don't pass your judgemental looks on me. That's really not what I need now. I know you do it with good intentions, in hope that I will feel better soon. But I'm not ready.

Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of this quicksand. And the more I struggle to get out, the furhter I sink in. So just let me mellow for a while, when I'm fine, I'll find a rope and pull myself out of this. I promise I will be okay, haven't I always been? It's not the first time I've been stuck in this, and even though time and time again, I appeared weak and vulnerable, but I survived it all the same, every single time. I can do it again, have some faith in me.

So, meanwhile, just be what you've always been to me, great friends. I appreciate it.

Thank you all for the love, care and concern. Love you all much.

xoxo,
yiwen.

2009-08-21T21:21:00.000+08:00

The reason why I stopped talking about my problems with people is because I can't stand it that they had the heart to judge me while I was this upset with my life.

Here you go.

If you really had to know.

2009-08-15T15:03:00.000+08:00

Everytime I'm mad at someone, I will delete all the smses from the someone in my inbox. I'm used to doing that. I'm a 眼不见为净 person. And now, I'm deleting all your smses from my inbox. Not because I'm mad at you. But because I've grown to become so tired over getting mad at you. I'm so tired that you don't really matter anymore. Doesn't matter whatever you do. And hence I'm deleting your smses, because it irks me the way your name takes up so much space in my phone, it irks me the space you are taking up in my phone has no value to me anymore, it irks me even more, that your smses taking up space in my phone reminds me how you too use to take up so much space in my heart. I need to clear it out somehow, right?

One week of school has gone by. I'm beginning to feel that this is becoming more and more like a replica of my JC days. What a nightmare, and it is happening again.

I hate it, when there is nothing here to prove my existence. Even the people I thought I could count on, failed me.

一个我在网络上朋友一堆
一个我在房间里独自面对

My conversations with you have morphed into a help-basis routine. By that, I mean that we only talk to each other when we need each other's help. But oh, you know what, I don't need your help anymore, don't think I ever will again. Have fun needing mine.

2009-08-08T01:56:00.003+08:00

Dwang dwang dwang.

Went to watch overheard at grand cathay with besties! I like the movie!!! :)
And the ending is da kuai ren xin!

There are still lotsa movies i wanna watch. T.T School is starting soon. Wonder if I will ever be able to fulfill my movie listings.

Okay, side tracked. Back to the topic, after the movie we went to have dinner at Astons to celebrate neighbor's birthday. Because of birthday plans I had to google the place first cus I've never been there! So I happened to chance upon some reviews on eating blogs that commented the place is good.

I admit that it is indeed very very affordable. But taste normal to me.
Anyway, that night, the birthday girl was repeatedly conned by my superb acting skills! :)
I proclaim that the best part is the call for birthday cake part. :D

Anyway, pegs! Hope you enjoyed yourself! :D I love you very muchies!

The official thank you post!

2009-08-03T00:59:00.002+08:00

One week into my birthday, I am just very thankful for the tremendously enjoyable celebrations. :)

I love Alps, White Beer, and the giant jar of toothache worthy candies.
I love Bobo, Coco, Ion chionging, happiness and lime green jelly.
I love KTV, Polar cakes and crazy people dancing to crazy songs.
I love Mad Jack dinner, Peach Sunrise, fussing over wallets and senseless gossips.
I love Sushi Tei lunch, Wasabi, Nike Bottle, cute fringe and trying on kua zhang hairbands.
I love the nice wrapping paper, the touching card and the gift that made me realise how much I am really understood.
I love the long sms singing the birthday song.

Most of all, I love the company, love the people who were there knowing how much I needed this. :)

I love waking up to awesome people in life.

Thank you all.
I really really appreciate it.

xoxo,
yiwen.

2009-07-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

Thank you all who made the effort to remember my birthday!

Thank you for the birthday gifts, and the celebrations!

I had fun. I had lotsa fun going shopping, eating, KTVing. Thank you all so much! :D

I really feel very blessed and appreciated.

And all the belated celebrations that have yet to happen, I will confirm the timings asap with you all okies!

Oh. What I really love was Bobo, the supposedly-surprise-but-failed birthday cake :DD, and the great friend sms, all on separate occasions.

Thank you lovelies.

I'm 20, and I'm one year short of the keychain gift, and I'm old, and I'm blessed. :)

The supposed way-too-early birthday dinner @ Alps Cafe

2009-07-21T02:37:00.003+08:00

I sincerely recommend Alps Cafe to all who wanna have a good time! It's fantastic place.

Good food, good drinks, ,good service, great entertainment..

But tonight, I guess greatest company! :D

A BIG thank you to Siew Li, Tian Tian and Janice for the wonderful time.

And I really hope we'll be able to meet up much more frequently.

Love y'all!!!!!

2009-07-15T02:09:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the closest bonds you share with certain people still fails you.

They still make you ponder, why you actually bother.

But who's to blame, right?

We don't have time for each other.

Even though we all know it's just excuses.

So stop wasting your life on people who forsaked you, because all the effort spent on unworthy relationships will eat into other parts of your life, other relationships in your life, that might possibly be worth all that and more.

2009-07-12T02:16:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I question if I actually deserve the effort and the surprise.

Because it seems we don't mean anything to each other anymore.

I'm just terribly afraid that all these will become routine. A very boring routine, that people do for the sake of doing.

2009-07-08T12:03:00.002+08:00

我刚读完九把刀的《杀手，夙兴夜寐的犯罪》，漂亮至极的作品。

无论是人物的刻画，故事的起承转合，或是写作手法及用词都令我觉得很妙耶。

九把刀的杀手系列里，夙兴夜寐的犯罪并不是我读的第一本。不过，却是让我印象最深刻的。原因是因为这本书的血腥画面真的太多了。好几次我都因此而无法继续阅读这本书。里头的人物刻画更是没话说。对于正义与邪恶的不同定义，每个角色都深入的体现出其中的精华。

一个经常发呆的人，必定是想忘记过去的什么，或是可以让自己的人生注入大量的空白，好稀释曾经拥有的悲伤。因为一旦意识清晰，不愉快的过往便从浑浊的脑海里浮现出来，莫名地让人痛苦。

王董：九十九，在你心中，邪恶是什么样子的？
九十九：有很多种样子。
王董：最极致的邪恶呢？
九十九：邪恶的军阀发动邪恶的战争，邪恶的政客滥用言论免责权，邪恶的雇主整天买凶杀人，邪恶的老师栽赃无力反击，邪恶的爸爸乱伦智障的女儿，邪恶无处不在，但这之中并没有最极致的代表-- 因为我无法认同，将其中之一排在首位后，就意味着其余的邪恶就是比较轻微的罪行。
王董：邪恶背后的动机不在你的考虑之中吗？
九十九：邪恶就是邪恶，去比较谁高谁下并没有特殊意义。

这本书里，我最喜欢的角色，是蓝调爵士。因为他的催眠术太高超。

其实，九把刀最令我敬佩的是，没有把故事中的种种巧合写的太明显。无需哗众取宠，只是在乎故事在呈现上的完美，让读者自己领悟来龙去脉。不计较别人是否一定能谅解，我觉得身为一个作者，并不容易办到。

很多时候，我们都希望别人能够理解我们想说的一切，但其实，说得太白了，让人人都懂了，却让原本的讯息失去了色彩。

2009-07-03T01:53:00.001+08:00

The only people you need in your life are those who prove that they need you in theirs.

2009-06-29T18:50:00.002+08:00

当一段关系只剩下我们之间共有的历史，当彼此的话题只剩下“想当年”、“以前”或根本不想讲话，之间少了现在进行式的事件和话题，那么，或许不久的将来，再见时，就只剩下“哈咯”、“好吗？”、“byebye”、“走先”...

Took the above from Chin Siang's blog.

I once thought that some memories can last forever. And they will always feel like they only happened yesterday. Guess I wasn't completely right.

Perhaps, our good times are long over. And what was in our past will remain there, because we have nothing in the present to bring the good times forward.

I'm still alive, in case you're wondering

2009-06-27T00:50:00.002+08:00

Not been inspired enough recently to blog.

I've been rather busy with work, and more recently, with course registration.

Been in some shit lately, doesn't help that some people continually take me for granted.

I wonder if you know that tomorrow will be your last chance.

And you have about 22.5 hours to come up with an excuse that I don't really care to hear about.

Good luck!

2009-06-21T03:34:00.002+08:00

Okay. I've got enough heartbreaks for 3 weeks.

This needs to stop. Because I can't fucking breathe already.

2009-06-12T12:47:00.002+08:00

徐佳莹 - 失落沙洲

又来到这个港口
没有原因的拘留
我的心乘着斑剥的轻舟
寻找失落的沙洲

随时间的海浪漂流
我用力张开双手
拥抱那么多起起落落
想念的还是你望着我的眼波

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

又回到这个尽头
我也想再往前走
只是越看见海阔天空
越遗憾没有你分享我的感动

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
疲惫的身影不是我
不是你想看见的我

我不是一定要你回来
只是当独自走入人海
除了你之外的依赖
还有谁能教我勇敢

除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

------------------
听完这首歌，眼角竟然湿湿的。声音，歌词，都如此让人动容，我真的哭了。

听着听着，突然开始变得好害怕，好害怕失去一些我真的不能失去的东西。

2009-06-10T16:01:00.002+08:00

I felt like I needed to write an emo post over you.

But my other friends have been giving me so much to laugh about. :)

How could I possibly bear to forsake them?

Thanks all, all who have been doing nothing but laughing with me. :D

We must all treasure those who are worth it. Only those who are worth it.

2009-06-05T00:21:00.002+08:00

Me: Ehh If one day somebody ask you whether you want money or you want me, which one will you choose?
Bro: You.
Me: What if the person say if you choose me, you will be poor for your whole life?
Bro: I still will choose you.
Me: Really?
Bro: Yes.
Me: Are you sure?
Bro: Yes. Poor very good ma. Can sleep under the MRT station. Then the rock can help you massage your back and make nice prints on it like tattoo. :D

2009-05-24T14:53:00.002+08:00

阿信写的新歌，《放肆》

我还没听到旋律，就已经为歌词着迷。

《放肆》
想太多又想太重的梦想还不如干脆不多想
每一个险恶的浪都会有浪花绽放我决定边冲边欣赏

牛顿要我们都活在地上偏偏我就想要飞翔
要挣脱命运捆绑要推翻柏林围墙要站上巨人的肩膀

梦想永远是逆向一路都有人阻挡
人们说的荒唐确实我的心中的天堂

就放肆爱放肆追放肆去闯放肆的大闹一场
不能原谅如果很多年后我还是这样

就放肆爱放肆追放肆去闯放肆是我的信仰
再不去闯梦想永远只会是一个梦想

哥伦布只要有一颗星光就胆敢横越大西洋
我还有一把吉他我还有一群死党为什么还不大声唱

达尔文假设生命是战场就让我基因不投降
把伤痕装满手掌把鼓声装满心脏把歌声装满肺活量

梦想永远是逆光只有剪影的模样
会有什么细节什么体验？不要只猜想！

阿信的词总是比别人多一种执着，一种坚持，一种干劲。

2009-05-20T21:53:00.002+08:00

Damn. I have to say this.

JIHOO IS OVERRATED!

hello, but is everyone blind to junpyo??

Yea I know the rest of the world is already done and over with the korean version of BOF/MG. But then, I only watched it now on tv so I don't care.

AND I will only truly love the taiwan version, no matter how many random countries decide to come up with their own version. They can have japanese version, korean version, burma version, malaysia version, they can even come up with african version, I don't care. I still like the taiwan version (80% for Jerry Yan). If you don't agree with me, don't talk to me. AHAHAHA okay i'm kidding. Bee em, I will still love you even though you like the japanese version.

I'm considering locking this blog using password, because this blog has now become a convenient excuse for some of my friends who don't bother meeting up with me, thinking that they can find out stuff about me via this platform anyway. I have thus, indirectly provided them with a convenient "don't need to meet up" excuse.

But then again, this blog made me realize who are really my friends. :D

I hate being unhappy. I really do. As much as it sounds rather unconvincing, but I really do.

2009-05-18T21:56:00.002+08:00

I don't feel like making an effort anymore.

I feel that I've spent 8 years of my life trying to make things last, trying to foster close bonds, trying so hard so that some day I will find this all worth it. Some day, I will know that all the time I've devoted will make me feel thankful, thankful that I've spent time on this.

But now, I'm doubting myself.

Because suddenly I realised, that I'm just a convenient company to most people.

I'm the person to look for when you are so bored but you can't find anybody else to go out with. So you make do with me. I'm the person to look for when you have to settle your dinner outside, but nobody else seems to be free. I'm your last choice on the list.

But to be honest, I don't do that. When I ask people out, it's because I genuinely want to see them. Want to have their company on this day. And if they can't make it, it's okay. I don't go around looking for spare tyres.

It just puzzles me, why people do such a thing. To make their friends feel unappreciated?

2009-05-14T00:48:00.002+08:00

我不能。或者应该说，我不习惯。不习惯朋友问我，为什么一定要把问题提出来，现在快乐不是很好吗? 以后如果不快乐，以后再来商量吧。真的是如此吗？等到不快乐的时候，已经没有挽救的余地了吧。

我不习惯。我不习惯在看到问题出现时，不去理会，然后眼睁睁的看着它任意放肆的如雪球般越滚越大，越滚越大。我只是觉得如果能够解决眼前的问题，就算失去了暂时美好的气氛，至少赢得了以后的美好。

但显然，没有人苟同于我的看法。

或许我应该改变自己，改变习惯，多为眼前的快乐着想，少为以后的快乐担忧。或许我应该任雪球越滚越大，然后在它滚得连自己也无法支撑自己的时候，我们就可以毫无拖拉，潇潇洒洒的放手说再见。或许，这样一来，我们不会像现在这样，拖拖拉拉，重蹈覆辙，卷入一个连时间也没能耐的漩涡。不好不坏，不分不合，真的让我很无奈。

或许我应该改变，虽然我已经不太确定我的动机与理由是否成立。

没办法，当一个人的存在对你而言已经变成习惯的时候，真的，那就如同形式上的生命，并非用痛就能轻易割舍的呀。

我想，这句话，对你对我，都贴切吧。

2009-05-10T02:42:00.002+08:00

可不可以有一次，哪怕只是一次也好，不要只是寂寞才找我，而是为了，想见我。

心虚的人会明白我在说什么。

你如果想见我，我再忙也会找时间，虽然这并不经常发生。可是如果我想见你呢？你要用多少借口作为敷衍？

你没发现，我从来都不主动约你吗？因为你让我失望太多次了。

在我以为我最需要你的时候，你却婉转的告诉我我需要一个人静一静。

所以我就算想见你，也忍着。

都忍着。

我好害怕失望。

2009-05-08T01:52:00.003+08:00

Today, I happened to come across Art Box so I decided to take a look. And then within a few minutes, I am $10.90 poorer than I already am. But on the other hand, I now have a super cute scheduler. heeheehee. Yea I know almost half the year is gone but I don't care because I really really like that book!

I'm starting to wonder if I am a shopaholic.

And I bought confetti. Hahahha.. For no apparent reason.

And I bought these!

Hurhurhur.. rubber monkeys for you to cover the top of your keys. I know it is useless but it's cute! :) It comes in a pack of six. I gave my brother the other 3. :D

And then I told my brother,

"Ehh, cute hor? I will go show my friend tomorrow. So cute."

To which, he replied, "Huhhh you going to show your friend ah? I then don't want show my friend ah. Later they say I very childish."

I was stumped for a moment, then I started to pretend I was gonna cry because he says it is childish.

And I said, "huh you say it is very childish. That means you don't like it. Huhhhh you don't like what I buy for you ah? Huhhh then like that I very sad. I buy for you one you don't like." And then I kept mumbling mumbling the same stuff over and over again, all the while pretending I'm gonna cry.

Hahahahaha... then you should see his expression after that. He was trying to comfort me, deny his previous comment, and trying to lie through his teeth so I won't be sad. And then he just kept saying, "no lah I like lah. You don't cry lah. I never say it is childish lah. Aiya, you don't cry lah. I like lah."

Hahahahaha... it's the expression manz. It's the 面有难色 feeling. :D

And anyway, I don't care. The monkeys are staying on his keys.

I think my brother is the one trying to 哄me most of the time, while I just indulge in being stubborn. Haha. We should switch our ages.

2009-05-05T15:58:00.001+08:00

沒有人會只是他們表面上看起來的樣子，
但這事通常只有真愛他們的人才會知道

所以，不是真爱我的人
我应该爱他们吗？

2009-05-03T15:35:00.001+08:00

原来我一直在等的。。。

是寂寞。

原来你一直习惯的。。。

是伤害我。

2009-04-24T23:43:00.003+08:00

Went for sushi buffet with sweetheart to stuff ourselves together. :D

Had a lot of salmon sashimi. Which is the usual routine when I go for sushi. Because salmon sashimi with wasabi and soya sauce is heavenly. Yes.

Really really had a wonderful time with hoonie! Feel better everytime I go out with her. Cus she's just so funny it is difficult to not laugh.

So thanks hoonie! Don't worry about the treat cus it is my way of thanking you for your help. Remember!!! A-!!!!

I admit that for the past few days, the reason why I've been in a horrid mood is because I'm currently reading a very depressing novel by ju zi. Yea.. I'm stupid like that. I even cried when the character in the novel died because the way it was written was just so depressing.

It's amazing how I cry so easily over novels, over TV dramas, over everyone else's plight, but when I really need to cry, when I really need to cry for myself, I just can't.

When I feel better, I'll blog. Or when I get a job, I'll blog. Because getting a job will make me feel better.

2009-04-21T23:57:00.002+08:00

Alrighteys. End of exams!

Turns out that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was gonna be. In fact, I don't know why but I was super duper emo.

Tried to gulp coffee but it only made me feel worse, because the bitter taste latched to the back of my throat.

Tried talking to someone, but I realised it doesn't work anymore.

But I guess me being emo is secondary.

I guess it's just me.

And so my job now is to make others happy. Because happy friends make me happy too. So I'm gonna do what I should. And not care so much about what I feel.

That said, I just felt that I should really really thank my brother for waking up to my screams at 4am last night just because I wanted him to help me kill a lizard. Thank you lovely.

2009-04-20T16:33:00.001+08:00

It's not up to me anymore.
If you want me in your life,
You'll find a way to put me there.